“We Are Not Occupied”

  “It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall being tortured. I realized somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled bloody helplessness, I was still free; free to hate the men who were torturing me or to forgive them. It doesn’t sound like much, I know. But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when it’s all you’ve got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. And the choices you make, between hating and forgiving, become the story of your life.”    — From Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts  

Founder and Director, Beyond Words

 

  Nitsan Gordon – Giles MA, Director
The Beyond Words Organization
www.beyondwords.org.il

 On Thursday, when I led a workshop in the Occupied Territories (also known as the West Bank or the Palestinian Territories) I understood a bit of what Roberts was referring to. 

Bringing together this group of Israeli and Palestinian women from four religions – Muslim, Christian, Jewish and Druze took a year and a half and has been one of the more challenging things I have done, mainly because of distance, technical details and fear –especially fear to meet in the Occupied Territories . In the Israeli media the main news concerning the territories is about conflict, violence and terrorists who are caught by the Israeli army. Thus, many of us feel that we are risking our lives (more than usual) if we go into the Occupied Territories .

We met in the train station in Jerusalem to begin our journey. One woman was afraid to drive in, so she and a few of the Jewish women took a cab. I sat in a car with Randa and Hala, two Arab Druze women, and Mariam, my Muslim colleague who co-led the group with me and was driving. She changed her head scarf to tie in the back and with her sunglasses and long dress she looked like a religious settler. The cab ahead of us, carrying the Jewish women, was stopped and their IDs were checked. We were waved right through.

I was nervous. I felt responsible for their well being and wondered what I was leading them into. Some of the women seemed so different in backgrounds. They also seemed to have such expectations of me and Beyond Words that I was afraid to fail. Fail in my eyes and in theirs.

Yet as soon as we entered the beautiful, serene school grounds of Talitha Kumi, my fears abated. When opening the door to walk in Randa, told me that the school is named after Jairus’ young daughter who had died. Jesus held her hand and said to her “Talitha Kumi” which means “Little girl, I tell you to get up” And she did. (Mark 5:41).

I knew that one of our challenges was communication.  Some spoke all three languages – Arabic, Hebrew, and English and others two or only one. There was not one language common to everyone, so every sentence spoken was translated by group members.

In the opening circle Mariam asked them “what brought you here?” Hala said she was scared to go into the Occupied Territories , that she had never been there and the news made it look so terrible. Yet she wanted to join the group so she asked her father what to do and he encouraged her to go.

Ania, a Palestinian woman, said that she was there so the Israeli women could hear about the suffering Israel was inflicting on the Palestinian people that was not described in the Israeli media. “For example,” she said “we have a holiday coming up where we are supposed to go into Jerusalem and pray and we are not permitted.”

Randa, a Druze woman, said that she was aware of a fifth religion in the room – her religion – Love.

Nira, a Jewish woman said she came because she wanted to meet the Palestinian women. She said she was so tired of hearing about suffering, the conflict and the violence that she hardly ever listened to the news anymore. She also stopped being socially active as she had been in the past. Yet this group attracted her because it not only offered dialogue but also healing and an opportunity to revive her tired spirit.

Edna, another Jewish woman said she was not so optimistic about the situation but still she came because she thought these meetings were important. They offered her an opportunity to feel not so alone in how she viewed the Israeli Palestinian conflict. At home her husband and her son who is in the army see things differently than her and there has been so much anger and discord between them on these issues, almost to the point of violence. Now they never talk about politics anymore.

Other women spoke about all of us being mothers and the power of women to change things. “When we give birth something in our heart is also born” one of them said.

Samia, a Muslim Palestinian woman, said that whenever she thought of Israeli women she thought of the severe, harsh women she met when she visited her brother in the Israeli prison. She also remembered how when she was young she went to help her father in the olive grove situated next to an army camp surrounded by a fence. Many times she saw soldiers — both women and men  – on the other side of the fence and waved to them, saying “shalom, ma nishma?” (Hello, how are you?) in Hebrew. Their response was always the same “Yala Zuzi Mipo” – “Go away… get out of here.” Our group is the first time she met Israeli women who seemed different.

At the end of a day filled with dance movement therapy, laughing and playing together, listening to one another’s personal pain, hearing about Beyond Words and how it originated, sharing lunch and massaging one another we finally met for the closing circle.

Even in my exhausted state, the sharing in the circle touched me deeply. Nira said with tears running down her cheeks that she can now look at the news and be able to hear about the conflict because now she knows there is also this possibility. A few of the women said they felt like they had known each other for years even though today was the first time they had ever met.

Samia apologized for her words in the beginning about how harsh Israeli women she had met were. She was embarrassed for having said it after meeting these women who were so different. She said she has a friend who had spent time in the Israeli prison and never wanted to see or meet Israelis again. She wanted to bring her to this group.

 One of Samia’s friends, Suheila, said to Samia that it is good she shared her pain because Israelis need to know, since they never hear about it in the media. Yet for me the sharing of her story was much more than an advertisement of suffering. It was the beginning of healing. I realized (and cried about it later) how little warmth, caring and acknowledgement most of us need in order to open our hearts to others.  She had been authentic and courageous and trusted us enough to share her pain.  I thanked her for leading the way in a circle which I felt would slowly grow to hold more and more pain; and through that holding and acknowledgement provide an opportunity for healing and for seeing one another, maybe for the first time, not as an enemy but as an ally with whom we can work together for change.

After the group ended I went to speak to Naseem, the Palestinian program director of Talitha Kumi. He asked me what the Beyond Words Organization did and I explained about our groups in the Galilee . “But this is the first time we have ever had a group in the Occupied Territories.” I added.

 Naseem looked at me and smiled: “We are not Occupied.” he said quietly.

 And then I remembered Roberts and his words about how in every situation we are free to feel whatever we choose and that the choices we make between hating and forgiving become the story of our lives.

(All names of participating women have been changed)

 

 

 

 

 

From the Middle East: Getting Back to Self

Founder and Director, Beyond Words

Getting Back to Self

By Nitsan Gordan

These last couple of weeks with the Flotilla event have been agonizing. I am aware of so much — the truth, the hypocrisy, the different set of values that people use when judging Israel, the immense suffering of the Palestinian people, the suffering of the families of the dead, the pain of the wounded and our own suffering. What hurts the most, though, is looking at ourselves in the mirror that the world is now holding up for us. It does not look good. In fact it looks pretty bad. Owning this part of us, this part of me is so painful.    What I am hoping for is that the criticism we are under now will put more pressure on our leaders to truly pursue peace. I am also seeing the immense need for our work and keep hearing Ann’s words about staying in our healing leadership in the presence of strong emotions. We are now surrounded with powerful emotions… from some of the Knesset members who almost hit each other at the Knesset this week to the streets where flags and tires are burning and people are screaming.   On Tuesdays I have a Beyond Words kindergarten teachers’ group in Mgrar, a Druze, Christian and Muslim village. We spent some time sharing our feelings around this incident. Some women were very upset: ” Why couldn’t we just let those supplies reach Gaza?” they asked. Or ” Was there no other way to stop this boat? What happend to our intelligence? ” One woman’s husband works at the prisons. He is an Arab Druze. The Muslim prisoners were very upset by what had happend. They started a hunger strike and attacked some of the guards. He was attacked with a knife. She was so upset. Another woman’s brother is also an Arab Druze who works as a nurse in a hospital. He took care of some of the wounded from the flotilla who were rushed there. On his way home he passed through an Arab town where his car was attacked by very angry men. “But I am an Arab” he shouted at them, but that did not stop them from breaking his windows and scratching his car.    My Arab Palestinian friend and colleague speaks for many others when she keeps asking ”How can people who are the oppressors, the occupiers call themselves victims .. how is this possible?”   Yet it seems that it is possible.  We, the occupiers, still see ourselves as victims because we grew up surrounded by people suffering from post traumatic stress who were never treated for this condition.  Also we grew up surrounded by events that kept reinforcing our fears. It is hard to stop reacting from a fearful place when there are so many reasons in our part of the world that give our fears legitimacy. Yet to own our part in fueling this situation and to seek healing for our fears and traumas so we no longer play an active role in continuing this self destructive drama …this is where our work, Ann’s work and Dick’s work can be so important and perhaps even life saving.   Yesterday I had a session with Dick to try and sort out what to do when I hear so many voices speaking in anger, pain and sadness inside and around me.

Dick said (not an exact quote, since I was crying when I heard it) — when there’s a crisis, personal or communal, all the parts get up in arms and shout out, pushing and pulling in different directions, competing for attention. It is difficult to know what to do and who to listen to. All I can do during those times is get back to Self and wait for guidance….

Nitsan Gordon – Giles M.A., Dance/Movement Therapy (Thesis on Nonverbal Cues to Prejudice) – is an Israeli Jew and the founder and director of “Beyond Words”. She is trained and experienced in dance/movement therapy, healing touch and multi-level listening techniques – all of which are used as part of the Beyond Words Educational Model. For several years, she has led courses on understanding and healing prejudice in three Colleges; as well as workshops and trainings using the BW model in Israel and the United States and more recently in NZ. Nitsan is the mother of two children.

Giving Birth with a Little Help from my Friendly Parts

By Mary Mula (a Druze Arab woman who lives in Israel)

 In 2008 I had a miscarriage. It was a girl. After two boys I was so hopeful and happy for a couple of months and so sad when I lost her. Just then Ann Bradney came to Israel . In her workshop I worked through the enormous sense of loss I felt and by the end surrounded by a circle of my supportive women friends from Beyond Words, I felt renewed, like I had just given birth to myself.

Mary at Beyond Words

In the middle of 2009 I became pregnant again with a baby girl and this time I carried her for the full term.. almost 10 days before the anticipated date I started feeling labor pains quite frequently. I went to the hospital and was admitted to the maternity unit. 38 hours later Gazel (words of love) was born.  It is not usual for the third birth to take so long and towards the end it was becoming more and more difficult. I decided to check inside myself and look to see if I could find a part that was avoiding this birth.

I met a part who was excited about the birth and could not wait to see her. I asked it to go into the waiting room. Then I met a part who was scared of the new responsibility, I listened and then asked it to also go into the waiting room. Finally I met a part that was afraid to give birth because it was too early by ten days and it was afraid that she would be too small and underweight. I listened to it and said I understood. I stayed for a while with the part that felt the fear soothing it. Then I explained to this part that it is going to be allright and that it can now relax. Two hours later I gave birth to Gazel, my beautiful baby girl..

Mary and Gazel

  The most wonderful part of IFS is that I can use it anywhere and anytime whether I am with friends, family, alone or in the middle of giving birth. Thank you Dick, Osnat, Einat and Nitsan….

 Submitted for publication by Nitsan Gordon – Giles MA, Director The Beyond Words Organization

Our Exiles by Nitsan Gordon

Founder and Director, Beyond Words

On a chilly yet beautiful winter day, at our new Women’s Center on the top floor of the Catholic Scouts building in the Arab city of Nazareth , we began meeting our exiles. From the balcony, the city ofNazareth and Upper Nazareth were both visible with churches, mosques and municipal buildings sharing the skyline.

The unique structure of the city of Nazareth (the largest Arab city in Israel) and sister city Upper Nazareth (a mixed Jewish and Arab city) mirrors on a smaller scale some of the issues that cause divisiveness and conflict among the Arabs and Jews in Israel and Palestine (religious conflicts, land disputes, oppression, discrimination, inequality in the division of resources and responsibilities causing prejudice, fear, anger and sometimes violence). At the same time this unique setting presents an amazing opportunity to create a new reality. The same place as described in the Bible where Jesus began spreading his message of brotherhood/ sisterhood and peace over 2000 years ago, can become a model for justice, reconciliation and peace which will reverberate and spread throughout Israel . For this reason we have chosen Nazareth as the place to create a centre where Arab and Jewish women can work together for empowerment of women and peace building. Currently no such centre exists in Israel .

When I say we met our exiles I am aware that in this part of the world these words have a special meaning. It is a meaning that lies beyond those young parts, who for some reason did not get their needs met very early on and are now crying in the basement, where we have banished them so they would not overwhelm us with their pain and neediness.

In this part of the world, exile refers to the fate of whole peoples. Many of our Jewish ancestors were exiled for more than 2000 years from their land. Most maintained their connection to this land through tradition and religious practices. The words from Psalms 137: “If I forget thee Jerusalem , may my right hand be forgotten ” or “By the waters of Babylon , there we sat down and wept when we remembered Zion ” show their longing and their connection to the land.

During the time of exile Jews often suffered from persecution and pogroms and finally from the Holocaust, where more than 6,000,000 Jews and millions of others were brutally murdered by the Nazis. These are our legacy burdens, the exiles many Jews on some level still share. And the words “we shall not forget, and we shall not forgive” are part of the daily vocabulary. High school students go on trips to Poland and Germany to visit Auschwitz and other concentration camps so they will not forget and will never again go “like sheep to the slaughter”. Unfortunately, the continued struggle to exist in this part of the world helps in keeping this painful legacy alive. They affect the way we behave and treat ourselves and others.

Many of the ancestors of the Palestinian Arabs who live in Israel were also exiled from their land and homes. Some had money and left early, hoping to return when the war was over. Others escaped fearing Jewish retaliation and the oncoming war. They believed what they were told by the Arab countries surrounding Israel –that the war would end in a couple of weeks and that they should get out of the way so they would not be hurt. Still others were gathered by the Jewish militia and sent out usually by foot to the West Bank or into Lebanon . And some remained in Israel and became citizens in a democratic yet Jewish State, where minorities aren’t always treated equally.

The pain of separated families, lost homes and land, living under occupation, struggling in refugee camps and being oppressed both as women and as Arabs, are among the exiles and legacy burdens shared by many of the Arab Palestinians who in our group. In some families they are still holding keys to the doors of the houses that were taken away from them… The prejudice within Israel and the continued suffering of the people in Gaza and the West Bank helps in keeping these memories alive and the shared exiles ready to jump out and influence the behavior.

So when we gather to learn about and begin meeting our exiles, these his/her-stories are always in the background, a consistent river of painful memories flowing underneath the surface and made even more potent by the fact that the peoples of the woman sitting across from me, listening, have some responsibility for creating those exiled legacy burdens.

Yet, there is something about IFS taught by our courageous and skillful facilitators – Einat Bronstein and Osi Arbel – that is especially powerful in providing some possibility of healing and genuine dialogue in this wounded part of the world. Or, as one of the participants, S. who is an Arab Palestinian woman said: “The power of IFS is that it enables you to look at yourself separately from your distress or exile. You can speak for it but you are no longer just it. This can become a wonderful resource in a country where people are almost always talking and responding from a hurt or wounded part. Being able to recognize that we have a Self and to speak to one another from this Self is one key to resolving our conflicts.”

T. one of the Jewish woman, said that for her a powerful moment was a sentence that Osi said to a woman she was doing a demonstration with. V, a beautiful dark haired woman was feeling insecure about sharing a painful memory so she put on her glasses to look at the circle of women around her and see if they were really “there” for her and could be trusted. Osi offered: “Perhaps you can put on your glasses and look into your inner circle of parts, and see which of them are feeling unable to trust the group?”

That gentle invitation to shift our gaze from the outside and look inside lovingly, asking our parts to support our healing and growth, is so vital here in Israel . This is because it is also an invitation to stop being victims of situations, reacting to the actions of others from our parts. Instead we are being called upon to notice the power we have to change our reactions and how to do it in a way that does not include guilt, blame or criticism but actually feels caring and good.
We are thankful for this amazing opportunity and would like, once again, to thank Dick and the IFS community for seeing and supporting this incredible possibility.
Much love,
Nitsan

IFS and Beyond Words

Photo by Osnat Arbel from the Beyond Words IFS Level 1 Training

Many were touched at the Annual IFS Conference in Chicago this past October by Nitsan Gordon’s moving presentation of the work of Beyond Words. Based in Isreal, Beyond Words uses the IFS module as a tool in the effort to heal the wounds and the deep pains of women living in an active area of conflict.

The Beyond Words Newsletter:

People are like stained-glass windows.  They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.  ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

What is there to explain?

While sitting on the plane on my way to the United States from Israel , I watched the film Iron Jawed Angels. One scene touched me in particular. In it, Alice Paul, the leader of the National Woman’s Party, who was struggling to procure women’s right to vote in the United States between 1917 and 1920, is sent to a work camp along with many of her colleagues. The charge is “obstructing traffic” — they were standing in front of the White House with protest signs from morning till night during all seasons and in wartime. She is placed in solitary confinement and begins a hunger strike. After several days, she is sent to a psychiatrist who asks questions trying to prove that she is delusional or suicidal so they can lock her up in a psychiatric ward.

He asks her: “Can you explain, using your own words, this suffrage movement and what is it that you’re struggling for?”

There is a moment of silence. She is very pale and weak from hunger. Then she looks up at him and replies steadily: “You ask me to explain myself. I’m just wondering, what needs to be explained? It should be very clear. Look into your own heart—I swear to you, mine is no different. You want a place in trade and profession where you can earn your bread; so do I. You want the means of self-expression; so do I. You want to satisfy your own personal ambitions; so do I. You want a voice in the government in which you live; so do I. So what is there to explain?”

While women in the United States did get the right to vote in 1920 following this struggle, human rights violations against women worldwide have not ended and are actually on the rise. According to Amnesty International at least one out of every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused in her lifetime. The human rights violations of women include forced child/underage marriages, female genital mutilation, sex trafficking, forced prostitution, honor killings, dowry-related violence, rape as a weapon of war, female infanticide, and enforced sterilization. (For more information see the book Half the Sky by Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn)

So there is actually no need to explain why it is that we are seeking to empower women to create a change. The simple phrase “Look into your own heart—I swear to you, mine is no different” is more than enough an explanation. What may need explaining is how the empowerment of women is related to world peace.

We believe that women who reconnect with their inner strength have the potential to promote justice, peace and healing in our society. Their role in this transformation is crucial not only because they are the mothers and main caregivers and thus hold a key role in shaping the next generation but also because of their ability to work together, connect from the heart, nurture, inspire and unite to create change.

Recent scientific research has given a solid foundation to this claim. Studies have shown that women have the ability to bond with others, independent of political lines, more easily then men do. This tendency is due partially to the structure of women’s brains. The corpus callosum, the part of the brain connecting the right and left hemispheres, is larger in women than in men, allowing more integration when solving problems, and the amygdala, the part of the brain that can be wired for aggression and fear is larger in men.

Women also produce more oxytocin — commonly called the “bonding hormone” — in response to stress than men.  This hormone, combined with female reproductive hormones,  is known to “promote nurturing and relaxing emotions “. This is why in addition to the “freeze, fight or flight” response that men have when faced with a threatening or stressful circumstance, women have another built-in response called “tending and befriending.” This response involves nurturing those around them and befriending others (from a finding by researchers, including Shelly E. Taylor, PhD, a distinguished professor in the department of psychology at UCLA) .

Men, on the other hand, produce smaller amounts of oxytocin and higher levels of testosterone (a competition/aggression chemical), and thus “lean toward the tried and true fight or flight response when it comes to stress — either bottling it up and escaping, or fighting back.” It is important to note here that what we are talking about are tendencies, inclinations, not absolute divisions.

Another finding shows that within women’s brains, there are more active sensorial and emotive centers, and better linkage of these centers to language centers than within men’s brains. Concurrently within the male brain, the cerebellum, an action and movement center, tends to be larger than in the female brain. Thus men tend to communicate more nonverbally, with more emphasis on movement and physicality while women communicate better using words.  (http://www.genderleadership.com/leadership_and_sexes3.html)

Based on these findings it seems that women are born with built – in biological mechanisms that can be very useful in resolving conflict and building peace. These mechanisms include a strong tendency to use words rather than actions to solve problems, an ability to befriend and bond with others across political, religious and cultural lines, and an inclination to tend and nurture their families and communities.

It is self – evident that women will not be able to easily access these natural attributes if they are uneducated, have become a part of the oppressive social system, live in poverty and/or fear of violence against them and their children.   The Beyond Words Organization seeks to empower women so they can reclaim these qualities.

The first part of our approach, also called  Beyond Words, is designed to empower women emotionally so they can work through their fears and reconnect with their inner strength — their voice — and learn to use their emotional intelligence and  their verbal, bonding, tending and befriending abilities to promote social change and peace-building. The second part of our approach, called Accelerating Women Entrepreneurs (AWE), is designed to empower women economically so they will have the financial means to spread this transformative work within their families, communities and countries.

Imagine empowered, economically independent women all over the world who have re-claimed their ability to tend, nurture, bond, befriend and solve problems, using words as a means to ending conflicts and creating the necessary foundation for living in harmony.  Maybe this is what John Lennon had in mind when he wrote: “Imagine all the people living life in Peace”?

– Nitsan

Good News Projects

Our projects for 2010:

1. Women in the Center – is our center for the empowerment of Arab and Jewish women and peace-building in the city of Nazareth . Courses at the center include: Core Energetics www.annbradney.com , IFS www.selfleadership.org and Beyond Words training for facilitators www.beyondwords.org.il , financial empowerment training for women entrepreneurs www.acceleratingwomen.org , support groups for parents, leaders’ training for social activists and other courses that nurture and empower women. Approximately 400 women will be participating in the courses and trainings this year.

2.  Healing and Wellness in the Kindergartens of Diverse Cities –Akko and Nazareth – The goal of this program is to teach kindergarten teachers simple listening, dialogue,  and conflict resolution tools as well as well being educational practices which they could then convey to the children in the kindergartens and the children’s parents. We believe that transforming the current rift between Jews and Arabs within the cities should start both at a young age and include interventions that will affect both the children and their parents. Thus this project will be an integral part in a comprehensive effort to change the social climate within the cities. Participants this year – 30 -50   teachers.

3. Joint Ventures for Peace with NISPED and the Shorouq Society for Women – a program for Jewish and Palestinian women entrepreneurs which includes empowering Palestinian and Israeli women to work for peace and building economical partnerships across borders. Some of the members of this group will travel to  Esalen in 2011.  Participants this year –30 entrepreneurs.

4. Research about the effectiveness of the Beyond Words approach, IFS and other approaches we use. The research will be designed to test whether these models are effective in empowering women, and increasing understanding of and empathy towards those who are different from us.

5. Publications –Completing and publishing of a 50 page manual for facilitators. Completing and publishing our book about the BW unique approach for healing and conflict transformation, and stories of the women, for the general public.

6. Retreats and trainings — for ambassadors of the BW model in the USA in collaboration with Ann Bradney and Dick Schwartz

8. Women weaving peace – basket weaving and emotional awareness workshops for women throughout the Galilee .

Special Thanks

To  Phyllis Blees and the AWE team in Austin Texas, Betsy, Karen and Laura from the Krieger Fund , Dick Schwartz and the IFS community, Paula D’Arcy and the Red Bird Foundation, Ann Bradney, Jerry Giles, The Omega Institute, The Esalen Institute and all of our Friends of Beyond Words for the wonderful love and support

More Information

To join this group and become a friend of Beyond Words in the USA and to find out more about our work and how to support us visit us at:

www.beyondwords.org.il

Nitsan Gordon – Giles MA, Director
The Beyond Words Organization