“We Are Not Occupied”

  “It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall being tortured. I realized somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled bloody helplessness, I was still free; free to hate the men who were torturing me or to forgive them. It doesn’t sound like much, I know. But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when it’s all you’ve got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. And the choices you make, between hating and forgiving, become the story of your life.”    — From Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts  

Founder and Director, Beyond Words

 

  Nitsan Gordon – Giles MA, Director
The Beyond Words Organization
www.beyondwords.org.il

 On Thursday, when I led a workshop in the Occupied Territories (also known as the West Bank or the Palestinian Territories) I understood a bit of what Roberts was referring to. 

Bringing together this group of Israeli and Palestinian women from four religions – Muslim, Christian, Jewish and Druze took a year and a half and has been one of the more challenging things I have done, mainly because of distance, technical details and fear –especially fear to meet in the Occupied Territories . In the Israeli media the main news concerning the territories is about conflict, violence and terrorists who are caught by the Israeli army. Thus, many of us feel that we are risking our lives (more than usual) if we go into the Occupied Territories .

We met in the train station in Jerusalem to begin our journey. One woman was afraid to drive in, so she and a few of the Jewish women took a cab. I sat in a car with Randa and Hala, two Arab Druze women, and Mariam, my Muslim colleague who co-led the group with me and was driving. She changed her head scarf to tie in the back and with her sunglasses and long dress she looked like a religious settler. The cab ahead of us, carrying the Jewish women, was stopped and their IDs were checked. We were waved right through.

I was nervous. I felt responsible for their well being and wondered what I was leading them into. Some of the women seemed so different in backgrounds. They also seemed to have such expectations of me and Beyond Words that I was afraid to fail. Fail in my eyes and in theirs.

Yet as soon as we entered the beautiful, serene school grounds of Talitha Kumi, my fears abated. When opening the door to walk in Randa, told me that the school is named after Jairus’ young daughter who had died. Jesus held her hand and said to her “Talitha Kumi” which means “Little girl, I tell you to get up” And she did. (Mark 5:41).

I knew that one of our challenges was communication.  Some spoke all three languages – Arabic, Hebrew, and English and others two or only one. There was not one language common to everyone, so every sentence spoken was translated by group members.

In the opening circle Mariam asked them “what brought you here?” Hala said she was scared to go into the Occupied Territories , that she had never been there and the news made it look so terrible. Yet she wanted to join the group so she asked her father what to do and he encouraged her to go.

Ania, a Palestinian woman, said that she was there so the Israeli women could hear about the suffering Israel was inflicting on the Palestinian people that was not described in the Israeli media. “For example,” she said “we have a holiday coming up where we are supposed to go into Jerusalem and pray and we are not permitted.”

Randa, a Druze woman, said that she was aware of a fifth religion in the room – her religion – Love.

Nira, a Jewish woman said she came because she wanted to meet the Palestinian women. She said she was so tired of hearing about suffering, the conflict and the violence that she hardly ever listened to the news anymore. She also stopped being socially active as she had been in the past. Yet this group attracted her because it not only offered dialogue but also healing and an opportunity to revive her tired spirit.

Edna, another Jewish woman said she was not so optimistic about the situation but still she came because she thought these meetings were important. They offered her an opportunity to feel not so alone in how she viewed the Israeli Palestinian conflict. At home her husband and her son who is in the army see things differently than her and there has been so much anger and discord between them on these issues, almost to the point of violence. Now they never talk about politics anymore.

Other women spoke about all of us being mothers and the power of women to change things. “When we give birth something in our heart is also born” one of them said.

Samia, a Muslim Palestinian woman, said that whenever she thought of Israeli women she thought of the severe, harsh women she met when she visited her brother in the Israeli prison. She also remembered how when she was young she went to help her father in the olive grove situated next to an army camp surrounded by a fence. Many times she saw soldiers — both women and men  — on the other side of the fence and waved to them, saying “shalom, ma nishma?” (Hello, how are you?) in Hebrew. Their response was always the same “Yala Zuzi Mipo” – “Go away… get out of here.” Our group is the first time she met Israeli women who seemed different.

At the end of a day filled with dance movement therapy, laughing and playing together, listening to one another’s personal pain, hearing about Beyond Words and how it originated, sharing lunch and massaging one another we finally met for the closing circle.

Even in my exhausted state, the sharing in the circle touched me deeply. Nira said with tears running down her cheeks that she can now look at the news and be able to hear about the conflict because now she knows there is also this possibility. A few of the women said they felt like they had known each other for years even though today was the first time they had ever met.

Samia apologized for her words in the beginning about how harsh Israeli women she had met were. She was embarrassed for having said it after meeting these women who were so different. She said she has a friend who had spent time in the Israeli prison and never wanted to see or meet Israelis again. She wanted to bring her to this group.

 One of Samia’s friends, Suheila, said to Samia that it is good she shared her pain because Israelis need to know, since they never hear about it in the media. Yet for me the sharing of her story was much more than an advertisement of suffering. It was the beginning of healing. I realized (and cried about it later) how little warmth, caring and acknowledgement most of us need in order to open our hearts to others.  She had been authentic and courageous and trusted us enough to share her pain.  I thanked her for leading the way in a circle which I felt would slowly grow to hold more and more pain; and through that holding and acknowledgement provide an opportunity for healing and for seeing one another, maybe for the first time, not as an enemy but as an ally with whom we can work together for change.

After the group ended I went to speak to Naseem, the Palestinian program director of Talitha Kumi. He asked me what the Beyond Words Organization did and I explained about our groups in the Galilee . “But this is the first time we have ever had a group in the Occupied Territories.” I added.

 Naseem looked at me and smiled: “We are not Occupied.” he said quietly.

 And then I remembered Roberts and his words about how in every situation we are free to feel whatever we choose and that the choices we make between hating and forgiving become the story of our lives.

(All names of participating women have been changed)

 

 

 

 

 

The Inner Critic Cluster by Jay Earley, PhD

Since the Inner Critic is one of the most and tenacious issues that people face, we have been studying the details of how to transform this part using IFS. When you start working with an Inner Critic part, you quickly realize that it is not the only part that gets activated. When self-judgment is an issue, there is an entire cluster of parts that become involved.*

 First, there is the Inner Critic part itself, which is judging you, pushing you, doubting you, shaming you, and so on. This is a “protector” in IFS terminology. Then there is a part of you that receives these attacks, believes them, and feels bad about itself. It may feel worthless, inadequate, lazy, guilty, ashamed, or hopeless. We call this part the Criticized Child because it is usually a child part, an “exile” in IFS. Many people confuse the Critic and the Criticized Child; make sure to distinguish them in your inner work. This child part is already carrying negative beliefs about you as a result of experiences in childhood. The judgment from the Inner Critic both activates these bad feelings in the Child and creates more of them as a result of its attacks.

 Frequently there is another part of you that tries to argue with the Critic. “I’m not really so bad. I could be successful. I am worthwhile.” This part, which we call the Inner Defender, is trying to counter the effects of the Critic. Most of the time, the Critic wins these arguments. Sometimes this defense works for a while, but usually the Critic resurfaces and attacks you even more harshly. It doesn’t really help to get engaged with the Critic.

 If the Critic is pushing you unmercifully to accomplish certain tasks, this may trigger another part, the Rebel, who refuses to do them, even if they would be good for you. It is trying to preserve your autonomy from being overrun by the Critic. This doesn’t do away with the Critic, and it sets up major inner conflict inside. No matter who wins, your life isn’t going to work very well.

 Some people have a Prideful Part that tries to defend against Critic’s onslaught by propping up their self-esteem. This part is overly focused on success, pride, and receiving admiration. It often exaggerates your good qualities and accomplishments in a attempt to defend against and ignore the feelings of worthlessness carried by the Criticized Child. This ultimately can’t work because it isn’t based on healing the Child. Deep down inside that pain is still there. And it tends to alienate other people.

 The Prideful Part, Inner Defender, and Rebel are each protectors, trying to protect the Criticized Child. And they are polarized with the Inner Critic, which means they are engaged in an internal battle with it. You can see this in the lower part of the following graphic:

Let’s now look at the healthy capacities that you will develop as part of transforming the Inner Critic. The main one is Value or self-esteem. This is a natural feeling of self-acceptance and appreciation for yourself. You value yourself and love yourself. Ideally you value yourself just for being you, not for any achievements or even for any of your positive qualities. Value is your birthright, unless it is undermined by your Inner Critic. If you look at the graphic, you see that Value is placed right above the Prideful Part. Value is the healthy version of pride because it happens naturally as you heal the Criticized Child, rather than being a defense against the Child’s feeling of deficiency.

On the other side of the graphic is another healthy capacity, Humility. This means a feeling of being comfortable with who you are whether or not you are acclaimed by the world. You don’t make any effort to artificially prop up your self-esteem or to seek admiration from others. You are willing to look at any shortcomings you might have or ways that you need to grow, and you are open to any criticisms from others. However, you do this with complete self-acceptance, without any harshness or self-judgment. Humility is the healthy version of the Inner Critic. Value and Humility are integrated with each other, not polarized. They naturally support each other.

The Inner Champion provides support and encouragement to counter the effects of the Inner Critic and heal and care for the Criticized Child. It supports the growth of Value and Humility. Your Inner Champion nurtures and cares for you. It encourages you in your endeavors in the world. It reminds you that you are a good person in a loving way, not as a defense against shame but simply as the truth of who you are. In IFS terms, Value, Humility, and the Inner Champion are all aspects of Self. We have spelled them out in more detail as a way of aiding you in your Inner Critic work.

You can work on transforming your Inner Critic in two ways.

(1) You get to know the Critic part and find out its positive intent for you in an IFS session. This requires being in Self, the natural place of curiosity and compassion. This way you can connect with it rather than being at its mercy (like the Criticized Child) or fighting with it as the other protectors do. Then you can heal the Criticized Child using further IFS techniques.

(2) You cultivate Value and Humility by evoking your Inner Champion to support you. It is especially helpful to tune the Champion in everyday life whenever you feel the need for self-esteem or whenever you are being attacked by your Critic.

This article presents a simple version of what is really a complex process. We teach this process in our IFS Classes and are writing about it in a forthcoming book on the Inner Critic. For more information, see www.personal-growth-programs.com/inner-critic-section.

* In this article, I describe various types of parts that many people have, using names such as Inner Critic, Rebel, Criticized Child. This doesn’t mean that your parts will necessarily fit these categories exactly. Each of your parts is unique to you; please don’t try to force them into these categories if they don’t fit. For example, most people have more than one type of Inner Critic part, and you might have a part that has qualities of the Inner Defender and is argumentative in other situations. Get to know each of your parts on its own terms without assuming you know what it is ahead of time.

    Jay Earley, Ph.D., is a transformational psychologist, group leader, psychotherapist, coach, author, teacher, and theorist. 
Jay is trained in Internal Family Systems Therapy and assists with professional trainings in IFS. He leads IFS Classes for the general public which teach IFS as a practice for self-help and peer counseling. He is active in the IFS community and has presented a number of workshops at IFS annual conferences. He also teaches classes on Communication from the Heart, based on IFS, interactive groups, and the Pattern System.